..................Share on Facebook

Saturday, September 28, 2013

This Blog has Served its Purpose

This Blog has served its purpose, and while I have a long way to go to making my million dollars, I think it's time to cut the blogging off. I may start another blog again at some point, but this one is done. Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

A Beauty-ful Year!

Today, I ended the blog called "Letters to My Someone." I still believe in the basic premise of the blog and the book that despite its inaccuracy concerning one relationship espouses, but frankly, for the first time since becoming a single man post-Clare, I am fine with being single. The Letters to My Someone blog, while a good idea, is just not where I am in my development process anymore.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately regarding who I am, what I like, what I want from my life, etc. In some ways, I have felt like I am almost (as of the 28th coming up) 42 going on 20, but recently I spent some time giving serious consideration to going to China to teach English. In the end, I made a decision that was far more 42 than 20 -- I decided to stay put -- for the sake of my step children who are nearly 11 and 14 going on nobody-gave-them-fucking-permission-to-grow-up-so-damn-fast! They are fast approaching the years when they're going to need me most. (Other reminder that I am not actually 20: Despite being in the best shape of my adult life, I start every day sore! lol)

Meet Dorothy!
One year ago today, I first laid eyes on Beauty. One year ago tomorrow, she became my home. We've certainly had some adventures. Recently, I purchased at 25 foot travel trailer dubbed "Dorothy" which needs some work before I can move into her, but I expect to do so within a couple of weeks and then I am giving serious consideration to frame-up rebuilding Beauty. I'll keep you posted. (I'm not immune to donations if you want to help me get her re-floored) She is and will remain parked at my ex-wife and good friend Kelsey's home -- meaning that I get to be a daily part of my kids' lives despite the recently completed divorce. That makes me happy.

When I moved into Beauty, I thought I was going on tour to teach writing workshops. By and large that idea is out. I've found, moving forward that actually most writers I know prefer what I call "circle jerks" to writing. That is to say that they like to sit around and obsequiously call each other "good," "amazing" and "talented -- though only a very small handful of them really deserve the application of accolades even in the same ballpark as those adjectives. Frankly, I'm just not all that interested in teaching workshops to people who by-and-large won't ever grasp the important pieces of the workshop experience. They're going to need their money more than I am. That probably sounds jaded. I don't mean for it to be. I've just found that writers (myself included) are a huge pain-in-the-ass and I'd rather concern myself with readers.

Along the way, I've also happened into tiny houses and am currently earning money doing home renovations and learning really great (useful) things along the way. I'm working with a guy I really enjoy working with (unless he's reading this, in which case, working with him is like being water-boarded in a tub of hydrochloric acid). I am enjoying the work I am doing and enjoying writing without the pressure of it making money for me. Maybe someday it will be my full source of income (writing), but I don't feel the pressure of that that I did a few months back. I'm happy with where I am.

I am also getting back into buying and selling secondhand goods. I am still determined to earn my million dollars. Now, I am actually in the throes of making that happen. It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, I nearly ran my van into a concrete wall in an effort to end my own life. It's true what they say: No matter the pain, it DOES get better.

Today, I quite my Letters to My Someone Blog. I'm content in me. I'm happy with my life. Some people still think I'm a jackass, no doubt, and perhaps in many ways, I still am. I'm okay with that. Life moves on and I'm finding that some people are for a moment --others for a season, and really very few are for life. Sorting out who is who can be surprising, painful, and yet gratifying. My journey is not over. I am still sorting some of my things, but all in all, this has been a terrific year-- the best ever! I look forward to what comes next.


Friday, August 30, 2013

We's Moving On Up, Weezie!

I know I've been lax to write lately. Just the way it goes. But now it's time. Sunday will mark the 1 year anniversary since I moved out of traditional housing. As some recall, I started out in my 1997 Dodge Caravan, quickly surmised that was bullshit, and on September 11th, I traded the Caravan for Beauty who has been my home ever since.

Sunday, that changes. I have been offered a reasonable opportunity to rent some space on the property I once shared with my 3rd ex wife (divorce was final last week), where she and my kids still live. I will be borrowing a friend's travel trailer to live in and Beauty, as soon as I buy a truck to drive for work, will be heading to the shop for a frame-up-rebuild which I hope to complete in six months.
Yeah... no. I'm not George Jefferson

My life looks nothing like it did a year ago, and I'm happy for that. There have been some ups, some downs, some new friendships and some spoiled ones. I've made a lot of headway and yet also burned a lot of bridges. I'm not done yet. I guess none of us really are, but I am overall, less affected by the harm others do me – with a few exceptions. I am also more connected to my fellow humans. 

I haven't been writing on my Letters to Someone blog either. Reason? I am content being alone for now. The fact is that whether I like it or not, despite the short lived re-bound relationship I had with Lyn, I'm still in love with a woman I can't have and who, for the sake of her marriage is not even in communication with me. She's the standard and until someone exceed that standard, I guess I just don't see the point. I'll move on in time, but for now, I'm content just being me. I'm just not in a hurry now.

The year has brought a lot of changes for me. I'm in the best physical health of my life, and I am learning that its okay to enjoy things – even some things for which I've been ashamed. I think that's healthy. I've made some silly choices, some immoral choices, some wise choices and some foolish ones. I've gotten myself into some crazy obligations and I've rid myself of many of the things that burden people down in life as well. In short, this last year has been the year in which I have most lived. I'm alive – and I love being alive – a far cry from the man who aimed his minivan at a bridge just over a year ago in plans of ending it all.

House Renovations:
Sandbox for grown boys
I am finding one of the things I'm enjoying is playing adult sandbox. Sure, I still love my writing and I want to succeed as a writer, but doing home renovations has been both good for my body and good for my soul. I'm going to keep doing them – even if it takes a little longer to make my writing go. Frankly, anyone who is writing fiction for the money instead of for the story is missing the whole point anyhow. I want to create great stories – and I can't very well do that if I'm worried about making them sell so that I can gas my vehicle or fuel my belly.

I am considering taking a 1 year break from all of it and going to China to teach English. I think that could be a great experience, and I'm only going to be 42 (almost) going on 20 (in terms of responsibilities) once. I may as well enjoy it.

Recently, I lost some friendships over a fight with an unstable person who some people still chose over me. It hurt, but I could have handled if differently than I did too. I learned also in that exchange, who my real friends are – the people who are loyal to me, and to whom I also pledge my loyalty. Loyalty is a big thing for me in friendships. Without it, I'm simply not interested. I hope some of those I lost will come back, but I won't be spending any more time considering them if they don't.

I have, in this past year gone from a hard-edged person, to a kinder-gentler person, to a no-nonsense jerk and then back to solid. I am not the Sevastian Winters that I started the year as, but neither am I the Harry Widdifield that gave up the Sevastian persona in a moment of inspired wisdom. I'm something in between. I can be a bit of a jerk, but that's not the sum total of me. I can be inspirational, but that's not the sum total of me either. I can be kinky. I can be reserved. I can be irreverent, and yet ultimately respectful. I am all of those things and none of those things at once. You see, in the end, I'm just me – the good, the bad, the ugly, the startlingly handsome (okay... maybe that's an exaggeration. I just wanted to see if you're still reading). I'm happy with who I am becoming and yet not satisfied with who I am. I think that's healthy. So, I'm going with it.

I can't believe it's been a year on Sunday. Wow, time flies fast when you're deconstructing and reconstructing a life. I hope you're well, my friends. For the most part, I know I am. Ciao for niao.


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Hi There. Remember Me?

Hi there! Remember me? LOL. Yes, I've been lax to write on this blog for awhile, but that's about to change. Hard to believe it's been almost a year (September 1 is coming soon). And what a year! While I can't necessarily claim to be baggage-free, I certainly unpacked a bunch of bags here. I've had some adventures in poverty, friendships, romance, drinking, pot, sex, odd jobs, starts and stops. In many ways, I've spent a year reliving my twenties! There's just one problem: I'm going to be 42 on September 28th. In other words, I guess it's time to stop fucking around.

I have some ideas of what that means, and I will be making some announcements soon to that regard. If you like the sorts of ways I put words together, you're going to want to stay tuned. I promise.

Remember him? He
clearly takes after his mother. 
This has been a year of self discovery, healing, gaining strength, and finding the value of vulnerability. In recent months I've reconnected with that part of me that has to be mean sometimes, and some have had to learn the way that just because I'm a tamer version of what I once was doesn't mean I forgot how to bite. Still though, I think despite my best intentions, I might be a Drama King in Social Media's Court, and it is probably time to sort that out and as two people half my age have recently said "grow the fuck up." Again, announcements coming soon.

While I have work yet to do, I am in infinitely better shape today that I was a year ago --better shape financially, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. I am more connected with other humans and I'm more comfortable with myself. It's going to be alright -- and I am glad I veered away when last August I nearly purposely ran myself into a bridge at 95 miles per hour. Life is worth living. And I am mostly enjoying it. Who'da thunk it?

Dude! That's not Marilyn Manson! 
Okay... so this post isn't very focused. My ADHS is pretty clear (Attention Defecit and Hyperactivity SQUIRRELLLLLLLL!) but I needed to write something like this to re-introduce myself to this blog. It's time for me to start writing it again. So, hello there! Have a great day!


Friday, July 5, 2013

Sometimes, it's About the Nail

I recently came across the following post on Facebook:

Sometimes, clearly it is ALL about the nail. One of the things I've come to respect lately is that there is a nail in my writing. the nail in my case is that what people like most about my writing is me -- my willingness to forego rules and to simply say what's on my mind -- and often times what others are simply too fucking polite to say regardless of what they might think.

It occurred to me that fiction writing is the only thing in my life that I really do by the book -- and I can craft the fuck out of a fiction story. I know instinctively where to go with dialogue, what's wrong with word choices, etc. It's something I excel at, and yet I've found that often times my fiction lacks the soul that my essays bring with them -- typically because my fiction breaks no rules. it fails to get up in anybody's grill -- and that's just simply NOT ME.

So, I'm taking a new course. I've decided to start breaking some of the rules -- not because I don't respect the rules of good story telling, but because I respect readers enough to give them all of me. I respect them enough not to hold back the most important ingredient for me to tell truly great stories: It's time to inject the "me."

I've begun work on a new novel: "Naked: a Novel?" and I intend to bare my true soul to the point of serving as a character myself -- as Harry Widdifield, the author" in my novel. I'm quite excited about it, and I promise to include the "me."

In addition, I have renamed "Wolf's Rise" and expanded the LupoSapien series into a full-blown superhero series that happens to include some genetically modified soldiers that become wolves. the series will now be called 'Team 9" and unlike every other superhero series I've seen, I am creating some non-American super heroes! (about fucking time, eh?)

I have dropped, for the time being, any plans of doing writing workshops -- not because I have nothing to teach, but because at the end of the day, I'm not interested in sitting around in circle jerks with would-be writers that would rather talk about writing than actually write. I have my own shit to write -- and lots of it. So, that is now my focus. I may re-visit that at some point, but not in the foreseeable future. There is an expression that says "those who can't do, teach." I can do, so someone else can teach. I wrote my book on writing (and I am revising it for 2013) Anything I might have taught in workshops is in it. No sense taking a hundred bucks from people when for $8.99 they can get all of the information and not risk that either of us will waste the other's time.

I know I sound a bit crass there. I don't mean it like that. I just think I've spent a bit too much time posing lately and not enough time getting the things in my head out of my head and onto a page. That's over. There is a happy medium between the angry asshole that was Sevastian Winters and the Happy-Go-Lucky guy I've tried to be as I've cleaned up a lot of my act as a result of unpacking so much baggage on this blog, and I'm in the midst of finding it. Part of that discovery is about writing more and blustering less. So, if you want to know what I'm doing in between infrequent posts, the answer is: I'm writing. I hope to deliver something extraordinary soon.



Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Master Plan

Okay... so I will admit, I sort of stopped unpacking so many bags publicly right about the time I think I'd unpacked the biggest ones. I think that's sort of healthy. I don't think it's at alllll healthy to concentrate any longer or harder on wounds than is absolutely necessary, and I felt like I was running a risk of being either the guy that complained about all the bad shit in his former life, or the dude that was always asking for money... which it started to feel like for awhile. 

So I largely shut up and went to work doing handyman work for a few bucks. It's been alright, and I've gotten to this point with a vehicle that is still running -- though I still truly want to buy that Vectra I've had my eye on since November. 

The handyman work is starting to dry up and I find myself with less than 3 figures in the bank account for the first time in months, but I see hope. I've rebooted some parts of my writing career, mended some fences that needed mending and broken down some that needed breaking. I'd give my left testicle right now for the $5,000 it would take to make Beauty truly an amazing piece of pop-art and a really fucking cool place to live, but I sense that all of that is coming soon. Right now I am focused on a sustainable living from my pen.

At the moment, despite my books that I am still working hard to sell, my best source of income seems to be from Bubblews. They pay for referrals, page views, comments, and "likes" on the site... and it adds up relatively quickly. Because they require only a minimum of 400 characters per post,  it's a great place for me to offer the sorts of mini-rants that come to me like a kid with Tourette's Syndrome and since they limit posting to 10 per day, I am forced to stop and change gears to write something else. It's really tailor made for me, and I love it. Right now, the pay is chickenfeed, but it's a building sort of thing and I trust that by end of summer it will be earning me enough that I can finally be on my way. 

I am doing a re-release of my military "Wolf's Rise" soon and I am considering looking for someone to adapt it as a graphic novel. I am also in the throes of the first sequel, "Wolf's Cry." It's a fun story and I look forward to seeing where the series may take me. 

I've been learning all i can about Tiny Houses and thinking through some fun new ways to build them that may make them more versatile and mainstream. I really love the concept, and having now lived in Beauty for 9.5 months, I believe wholeheartedly in the concept. Beauty is a slum compared with what I could do with a tiny house or what I have planned for her rebuild. It's really fun stuff. 

Anyhow.. I'm rambling. I just thought I'd update my friends who wonder what I'm up to other than my love letters. I hope you are well. If you want to do something to help out, and haven't done so, please jump over and buy a copy of my book, "Letters to My Someone." Thanks. 


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Well, Hello Again. It's Me!

Hello, friend, I've been a bit lost lately, trying to sink my teeth into whatever is next, but here are the haps:

  1. Slow sales so far on my newest book, “Letters to My Someone,” but really great and encouraging feedback from those who have so far read it. (If you haven't bought your copy yet, please consider clicking the link and doing so right now. Thanks)

  2. Wolf's Rise is about ready to re-release after a major edit. Looking forward to that. Make sure you sign up on my main blog at (harrywiddifield.com) to be updated when I put new products out.

  3. I recently joined the throngs at Bubblews – main reason being, they pay me for referrals, page views, and “likes” while at the same time allowing me to say what I want to say the way I want to say it – refreshing for a hard-edged writer sick of being censored.

Beauty and I are having an alright time of things, but I desperately want to buy Goliath soon and get on the road. Goliath is, for those who don't know, the 30-foot WinnebagoVectra I've had my eye on for some time. She's $25,000 and I think I could live in her a long time. Next stop seems to be Denver unless one of my books breaks the bank and can put me and my love in New York. We'll see what happens.

In any case, I didn't want to leave this blog too long without saying hello. I'm sure I'm not done here, but I also try to only say things when I have something to say. This journey has been a great one for me and I'm glad I've been taking it. How about you? How are YOU doing? Sound off in the comment section below.

Do you dig this blog? Or are you otherwise inclined to help me in furthering my objectives? (Mainly the renovation/improvement of my living condition (Beauty)) Please donate here. Thank you in advance!
Share on Facebook
comments powered by Disqus